Feeling kinda down...

Hello long time blog readers, I know I've been away for a while but lets not dwell on that. I'm here now, and that's what matters, although I may be a bit depressing.

So it's 4:05 am on a monday night (or tuesdays morning, depending on how you look at it) and I just got home. I was out driving around listening to some music, trying to comfort myself a little I guess. Lately (well lately really refers to the last 5 or 6 years probably) I've felt really lost. I graduated from high school, and without much thought as to what I really wanted to do, I jumped into university and the commerce program at MUN. I stuck with that, even though I often felt very bored, but then I finished the program and began the challenge of finding a job/career. I worked a few jobs which I hated, and here I am currently, unemployed!

But it's not all about my career path (or lack thereof), it just seems that nothing in my life has gone that way I would've wanted. I wasn't able to maintain any of my relationships coming out of high school, and it wasn't even a case of just losing contact, I basically ended things on bad terms with just about every close friend I had. I've since made many new friends, but for whatever reason I still seem to be held back by my mistakes at the end of high school.

I'm also single and have no real prospects on the horizen. I guess I often feel lonely and wish I was close with someone, someone who I could share my thoughts and feelings with, but sadly that person hasn't been found by me. I guess I put myself in bad situations when it comes to this topic, and it's given me grief many times over the years, but what can you do?

I guess a lot of it has to do with my insecurities. Fear has always been a huge part of my life, and has held me back so much. I find myself being afraid of such stupid things, of social situations, of doing something to embarress myself, etc, etc. It always seems to be that constant thing there in the background, and I guess some people would say "Just face your fears!!" but I don't know, I guess it's not that easy for me. When you feel afraid of most things you encounter on a daily basis, then dealing with that becomes a constant battle, one that becomes more and more intimidating.

I have improved a fair bit I guess. I think back to how I was in high school and man I was such a mess. I've matured a lot since then I guess, but fear is still always there in the background, for the most stupid things. I guess it's just something I'll have to live with.

I also feel like I want to do something meaningful with my life, something with substance, but I don't know what that would be. I try to think about that and how to get there, but then I come back to the mediocrity if the present. I keep telling myself that God must have some bigger plan for me, but I've even started losing faith in that.

I guess I'll find my way somehow...

Worst Lyric Ever!

You want to know what the worst lyric ever written is? Well here it is:

"And you ain't going to Nirvana or Farvana, you're coming right back here to live out your karma."

It's from the song Mass Destruction by Faithless. I don't know where the hell farvana is, but that's one lame lyric. The song is still pretty awesome though!

So I'm sitting here...

... with my laptop on my lap of all places, the basket-ball game playing in the background, trying to convince myself to make an entry in my blog. But I refuse!!! I REFUSE TO WRITE A BLOG ENTRY TODAY!!! AND NO ONE WILL MAKE ME!!!